I’m in the rewriting and editing phase of my novel. This is the largest creative work I’ve undertaken to date. I reached a point in chapter 10 where I intuitively knew it needed to undergo significant revision. I was prepared for it and dove right in. The plot, the foreshadowing, the backstory was coming together and I was having fun. Until I heard my inner critic butt in and ruin playtime.

“This backstory is too childish,” she said to me as I typed away. “You’re only skimming the surface. Who are you to think you can tackle the main character’s ancestral connections to an antique she just found?” I batted her away like an annoying fly, but she persisted. “Listen, no one wants to read another magical realism novel about witches of European descent. It’s an over-saturated market.”

My confidence started to falter. “What if no one really likes my story? Or finds too many holes in the plot that I just can’t see?” I asked myself. I stopped typing and sat in my recliner and stared at the screen. “Are my secondary characters literary tropes? Do I represent their origins and backstories in an authentic and respectful way?” My race car brain came to a screeching halt. I made a notation in my document “CONTINUE EDITING HERE” and then shut down my computer. The joy of writing and creating had been hijacked by my inner critic. I needed to get some space from the harsh thoughts. I needed to figure out a strategy to deal with the inner critic before I lost heart and courage to keep bringing the story to life.

Fortunately, I came across a free video series offered by Dr. Melody Moore titled “The Self Approval Summit” https://www.drmelodymoore.com/ It has been a game changer. Her conversations with therapists, yoga instructors, entrepreneurs, activists, etc., have helped me realize that when I engage in perfectionism and buy into its social conditioning, I am taking away my joy. I am stepping away from my authenticity and falling out of alignment with my own integrity to search for validation outside of myself - which never makes you satisfied or happy, only more hyper-sensitive to your own and other’s criticism.

After my inner critic made her first appearance, I became curious. “Why did I start writing a novel in the first place?” I asked myself. My answers came naturally: “Because I wanted to see if I could do it. It sounded like a fun challenge.” AND “My imagination and the inspiration always showed up when I needed it. I have been able to tap into more of my innate storytelling abilities through this experience.” Plus, “Writing can be very FUN and rewarding in and of itself.” All of these answers were and are my truth.

Later that day, I was making lunch and my inner critic started to berate me for not doing any more edit work since our last conversation. All her negativity came surging forward. Fortunately, I was ready for it all. “Hey,” I said while I made my peanut butter and jelly sandwich, “You do have a role in all this. I need you to check for grammar mistakes, timelines, dates, characters’ actions / motivations and all the nitty gritty stuff. Basically, you need to make sure all of the pieces fit together in this jigsaw puzzle of a story. You are great at that. Let me worry about the rest. This novel is my personal best.”

She left the room and I had a delicious lunch, but I didn’t get back to editing. I knew addressing the inner critic in this way bought me time. But, I needed to do more for when she got off course again. So, I tuned into my body and got out of my head. I took a walk , spent time in my gardens weeding and digging in the dirt. I focused on my breath in seated meditation.

This morning, I did something a bit more radical: I talked to myself as I do to my best friends. The internal conversation with myself really became the biggest tool this past week. I asked myself a question while I was stretching after a strengthening workout. The question that resonated throughout my body was: “If you could talk to your 12-13 year old self, what would you tell her?”

Immediately, a softness overcame me. I saw my sweet face with big brown eyes, curly brown hair, and my skinny, overgrown arms, legs, nose, and ears. I could see my younger self smiling and sitting for hours writing in a notebook or drawing at the dining room table. I also felt her insecurities and her anger and confusion when a teacher overly criticized her work or told her “Keep at it. You’ll get better” which I translated into “What you just produced and spent all your energy on isn’t good enough.”

While I breathed through the tightness I felt in my hamstring and inner thigh at this moment of inquiry, I started to cry. My young girl self was suffering because I had let the inner critic shake my confidence. I had labeled my writing as cliched and mechanical. I had felt like giving up. I worried that no one will publish it because there are no poetic sentences or quotable lines that inspire others. I needed to work harder so people would like this story. All the while, my inner child simply wanted to show me how proud she was that she had written a story and brought it into this world. I cried even more on my yoga mat in the middle of my living room.

“Talk to yourself like you do your best friends,” I reminded myself. And in that moment, I mothered myself and loved on myself and told my little girl self her story was lovely, and funny, and exciting, and engaging, and she did a great job. Right at that moment, the tightness in my body lifted and my heart opened. And my brave, sweet, tenderhearted, imaginative, fierce, focused, passionate young girl self smiled. “This story belongs you,” I told her. “All of it is for you.” And that mantra became my “good enough.”