To Be or To Be More?
Collage by Megan Wheless
Images from collected magazines
Last summer after my mastectomy, I went to a free meditation session with a local guru at a prestigious institute in Charlotte, NC. I wanted to not only deepen my meditation practice, but also thought about going through their program to get certified to teach meditation to area youth. I love teaching and thought an alternative path for my career would be to teach mindfulness to pre-teens and teens. I was also in the midst of dealing with a mastectomy and facing two major surgeries for reconstruction.
When I sat in front of the teacher, he immediately told me I wasn’t ready to teach meditation because I wasn’t doing it right. I wasn’t giving myself the love, care, and dedication to the practice necessary to be a teacher. He led me through a breathing technique and then proceeded to tell me in a subtle way he had become enlightened through the technique his guru taught him. I could get there too if I used his meditation technique (and spent thousands of dollars annually to be in his classes). I shook my head and smiled. “Nope, not going to happen,” I said and thanked him for his time. My first yoga teacher always told us that if anyone ever tells you they’re enlightened, run away. Fast.
Yet the perfectionist in me felt small. “What does he know that I don’t know?” I asked my therapist the following week. Her response was the truth: “Why are you worrying about what he thinks? What do you know? What is right for you? Just because you struggle with anxiety and you’re going through a life changing moment doesn’t mean you’re not an expert in your own life.” I was so grateful for her questions and the mirror she held up to me. I needed her to say that to help me get back to myself and what I know.
The perfectionist in me wants to do everything right in the hopes that once I achieve the “right way” life will open up and things will be a lot easier. Over the years, I’ve tried all different “right ways” to get to a point where I felt I could get rid of all the difficulties in the moment of if I couldn’t do that then at least learn how to navigate them with grace and ease. Yoga, Thai massage, stringent diet, vitamins, and melatonin and seratonin pills, silent meditation, mantra meditation, workshops, retreats, tai chi, weight lifting, self-help books, therapy, and so much more. I hoped one of those would “stick” and that I could master it and reap all the benefits once I became an expert in this area or practiced it religiously to the point that some magical door to insight would open and I could move on to the “next level” in the mindfulness realm.
At this stage in my life, I see that’s all bullshit. And, I had a lot of good come out of all the different methodologies I explored in my mid twenties and throughout my thirties. This month, I’m examining how my perfectionist ways block my creativity. And one of the things I noticed is that whenever I try to center myself or do some type of physical activity to help welcome in the creative flow, I revert back to my old idea that I have to pick one method and stick with it, otherwise, I’m a failure.
This time around, I chose to get curious. I’ve been revisiting some of my favorite meditation activities that have resonated with me over the years: yoga nidra, organic dance movement, guided meditation, gardening, and journaling. What I’ve found is that I don’t have to pick just one. That I have a toolbox of resources at my disposal to turn to as a way to help me get unstuck and re-centered. That I can use any combination of these techniques to help me clear space in my head and feel more connected in my body. That I don’t have to achieve any level of mindfulness or seek enlightenment. (I don’t even know what enlightenment truly means, nor am I interested in chasing after that ideal anymore either.)
When I practice yoga nidra, I give myself the gift of physical rest and allow in images to help me unwind negative thought patterns (see link here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-PxNLFJ91Io).
When I practice a guided meditation led by Tara Brach known as R.A.I.N., I give myself a chance to explore my emotions and be more reflective. (see link here: https://www.tarabrach.com/meditation-practice-rain/
And whenever I am in my garden pulling weeds or watering flowers, I am giving myself the gift of communion with Nature and being in my animal body. My thoughts slow down, I feel peaceful, and my awareness turns to the other beings in this world we share. (No need to click on a link, go outside here.)
In any case, I am learning that meditation for me is like clearing the cache from my computer’s browser: I am dumping repetitive thoughts and collected data from the day, and am replenishing my body and mind while also rewiring my brain patterns. It’s a chance to shift mindsets or accept the realities I am encountering.
The perfectionist in me still asks me to pick one method and stick with it in hopes that I can see real change and positive results that act as markers of my progress as a human being (i.e., the erroneous ideal of “success”). The creative side of me welcomes the process of meditation and stillness as a means unto itself. It’s a practice. There is nothing to be gained or achieved. It’s only me meeting other parts of me to feel and find the whole. To meet the Mystery in the here and now - the only time, place, and space where creativity, transformation, radical healing and acceptance can happen anyway.